STATEMENT OF FACT: “Smash Brothers” is a Shit Game.

I know a lot of people like playing the game Super Smash Brothers Brawl for the Nintendo Wii.  However, all of these people are messed up jerks seriously because that game is so annoying.

HERE ARE THE REASONS THAT I DO NOT ENJOY THIS

DUMB AND STUPID GAME:

  1. It is impossible to do any of the moves.
  2. If you jump anywhere then you die.
  3. The camera is always zooming in and out and I feel like a crazy person
  4. Sometimes the entire level turns into something else and it’s like the what the fuck is this now?

Also, it’s all like, “oh, get the floating thing!”  And then you try to get it, and it involves jumping, and then you die, and then someone else gets it and it turns the entire screen into a giant missile that shoots you and you die again.

In GOOD VIDEO GAMES OF ENJOYMENT AND FUN, it is possible to play them one of two ways:

  1. Learn the moves and engage in strategic-type goings-on
  2. PUSH ALL OF THE BUTTONS AND YELL

I am not saying that either of these is better than the other.  But I like a game which caters to both approaches.

SMASH BREEGIES IS AN EPIC FAIL IN THE NUMBER 2 DEPARTMENT.

Seriously.  The only yells I get to do are ones of lamentation as I sink to my death over and over again whilst everyone else gleefully engages in smash-moves, jump shots, and crazy secret umbrella tricks.

But the main thing is this: everyone is always all like “Sam.  It is so easy and fun to play this game.  Please get over your issues and join us in Mr. Game & Watch’s Maddening House of Peril Where You Die All The Time.”

I will not be joining you there.

_____

EDITOR’S NOTE: Cashmere Thoughts is an occasional feature in which the reader is given the privilege of glimpsing the contents of Sam’s notebook of potential material for Audience of Two shows. The contents of this post might just find their way to the stage of a theater near you!  On the other hand, the contents of this post may be roundly rejected by Ben and never again see the light of day.

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2 responses to “STATEMENT OF FACT: “Smash Brothers” is a Shit Game.

  1. finally. I feel like I have been taking crazy pills for too long. That game is horrible and I am glad that somebody on the internet has justified my opinion by concurring with it exactly. Thanks internet.

  2. Internet told me to tell you: you are welcome! here’s hoping others see the light.

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