HOLY CRIPES YO! I STRAIGHT UP TURNED INTO A DAMN EAGLE!

IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED…

…Sam has succumbed to the pressure and commenced Twittering.  There will be Audience of Two updates as well as more general musings upon the state of Things.  Prepare to have your mind blown in 140 letters or less.

Okay, Think of it This Way…

If the popular television show How I Met Your Mother is frequently abbreviated HIMYM and accordingly pronounced “HIM-YIM” on the phonetical tip, then we can logically make the jump to “HIM-YAM,” or a strange and perverse manner of referring possessively to the yams of an unkown individual.

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Cashmere Thoughts is an occasional feature in which the reader is given the privilege of glimpsing the contents of Sam’s notebook of potential material for Audience of Two shows. The contents of this post might just find their way to the stage of a theater near you!  On the other hand, the contents of this post may be roundly rejected by Ben and never again see the light of day.

The Linguistical Theatricals

If the words “bamboo” and “pie” are combined, the result is the hilarious and onomotopaeic “bamboopie.”

Here is a hilarious and very short play imspired by this revelation:

BAM and BOOPIE are seated in the parlour.

BOOPIE: Bam! At this time we should sex each other with great woom-pow.

BAM: Agreed.

They do. Curtain.

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Cashmere Thoughts is an occasional feature in which the reader is given the privilege of glimpsing the contents of Sam’s notebook of potential material for Audience of Two shows. The contents of this post might just find their way to the stage of a theater near you!  On the other hand, the contents of this post may be roundly rejected by Ben and never again see the light of day.

The Pirate’s Dilemma

Q: What does a pirate conclude when, after being in the running for a principal role in the next film by noted Pirate-Cinema auteur Horatio Starm, he finds out he’s been cast in a smaller role which will nonetheless still give his Pirate Movie career a measurable boost?

A: “Any old part in a Starm.”

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Cashmere Thoughts is an occasional feature in which the reader is given the privilege of glimpsing the contents of Sam’s notebook of potential material for Audience of Two shows. The contents of this post might just find their way to the stage of a theater near you!  On the other hand, the contents of this post may be roundly rejected by Ben and never again see the light of day.

Question of the Decade

Why am I so good at getting holes in my socks, and so bad at everything else in life?

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Cashmere Thoughts is an occasional feature in which the reader is given the privilege of glimpsing the contents of Sam’s notebook of potential material for Audience of Two shows. The contents of this post might just find their way to the stage of a theater near you!  On the other hand, the contents of this post may be roundly rejected by Ben and never again see the light of day.

A Test To See If Ben Has Visited The Site Today

Audience of Two’s Xmas Lists

Sam

1. For the Orioles to sign Mark Teixeira
2. For Ben to leave a comment on this post stating that he is a weenie
3. All of the tacos

Ben

1. An idiot hat for his idiot head
2. An Illustrated Guide to Not Being a Punk-Ass Bitch
3. A “Sam Is Cooler Than Me” t-shirt

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Cashmere Thoughts is an occasional feature in which the reader is given the privilege of glimpsing the contents of Sam’s notebook of potential material for Audience of Two shows. The contents of this post might just find their way to the stage of a theater near you!  On the other hand, the contents of this post may be roundly rejected by Ben and never again see the light of day.

A POST-SCRIPT

FACT: All people who loved Wall-E love Super Smash Brothers.

Therefore!  By the Third Angle Theorem: FUCK YOU ALL!

Ha!  I have used the numerical powers of mathematical jimdibbery to imprison you in my LOGIC BOX MADE OF STEEL NERVES!

It may be false, but it is also “flase,” which is Moonjarvian for “Sam is right about everything.”

DO NOT believe what you hear upon the televisions!  Television is a mind control device.

Moonjarvia is the way!  DINGMAN IS THE LIGHT OF ALL OF THE KNOWLEDGE!

**PLEASE NOTE: if you do not submit now your soul will be a teakettle whistling lonelies into the inky night.

Also please be advised that Moonjarvia:

• appears on no known maps
• is an unknown island floating in a sea of cake icing
• is controlled by Prime Minister Hooting Owl and his Deputy Secretary of Root Beer

You should come for a swim in the delicious tides of the Icing Sea as the Moonjarvian sun sinks low in the eastwest skies…

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Cashmere Thoughts is an occasional feature in which the reader is given the privilege of glimpsing the contents of Sam’s notebook of potential material for Audience of Two shows. The contents of this post might just find their way to the stage of a theater near you!  On the other hand, the contents of this post may be roundly rejected by Ben and never again see the light of day.

STATEMENT OF FACT: “Smash Brothers” is a Shit Game.

I know a lot of people like playing the game Super Smash Brothers Brawl for the Nintendo Wii.  However, all of these people are messed up jerks seriously because that game is so annoying.

HERE ARE THE REASONS THAT I DO NOT ENJOY THIS

DUMB AND STUPID GAME:

1. It is impossible to do any of the moves.
2. If you jump anywhere then you die.
3. The camera is always zooming in and out and I feel like a crazy person
4. Sometimes the entire level turns into something else and it’s like the what the fuck is this now?

Also, it’s all like, “oh, get the floating thing!”  And then you try to get it, and it involves jumping, and then you die, and then someone else gets it and it turns the entire screen into a giant missile that shoots you and you die again.

In GOOD VIDEO GAMES OF ENJOYMENT AND FUN, it is possible to play them one of two ways:

1. Learn the moves and engage in strategic-type goings-on
2. PUSH ALL OF THE BUTTONS AND YELL

I am not saying that either of these is better than the other.  But I like a game which caters to both approaches.

SMASH BREEGIES IS AN EPIC FAIL IN THE NUMBER 2 DEPARTMENT.

Seriously.  The only yells I get to do are ones of lamentation as I sink to my death over and over again whilst everyone else gleefully engages in smash-moves, jump shots, and crazy secret umbrella tricks.

But the main thing is this: everyone is always all like “Sam.  It is so easy and fun to play this game.  Please get over your issues and join us in Mr. Game & Watch’s Maddening House of Peril Where You Die All The Time.”

I will not be joining you there.

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Cashmere Thoughts is an occasional feature in which the reader is given the privilege of glimpsing the contents of Sam’s notebook of potential material for Audience of Two shows. The contents of this post might just find their way to the stage of a theater near you!  On the other hand, the contents of this post may be roundly rejected by Ben and never again see the light of day.

BREAKING: The Real Ben Masten Has Been Discovered

A THUMBNAIL PHOTO HAS BEEN RELEASED:

Authorities announced today that they had located the REAL Ben Masten after an extensive search following his abscondment with ALL OF THE HEARTS of ALL OF THE LADIES.  The child is unidentified, but is possibly the REAL Wee Tiny DJ Flav, not to be confused with the Actual Size Regular Old DJ Flav, who looks like this:

The two men have a known disagreement dating back to the publication of a 2log post entitled “Why I Hate Bunnies,” to which Masten claims intellectual copyright.

The discovery also calls into question the identity of this man, who has been masquerading as Ben Masten for at least 8 years:

Authorities would not comment on the bespectacled man’s true identity, but a source close to the investigation, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told 2log it is thought that he might be Kumquatious Brunquist, the idiot prince of the lost island of Moofarja.

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**cross-posted at 2log.biz

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Cashmere Thoughts is an occasional feature in which the reader is given the privilege of glimpsing the contents of Sam’s notebook of potential material for Audience of Two shows. The contents of this post might just find their way to the stage of a theater near you!  On the other hand, the contents of this post may be roundly rejected by Ben and never again see the light of day.